Latest Additions

Its been so long since i updated this blog. Malas, is the word. Bz, would probably be one of my lame excuses. So here i am again to do wht i was supposed to do, plus i am trying to improve something with my life.
Ok, Iman has already begun her life as a student hehehe pupil, more like it at her school. she loves it. she makes new friends. no, no bf still though some of her friend's mum said she is pretty and beautiful but she is still a kid so everyone looks adorable and cute whn they r small, rn't they. so every morning i wake up, make breakfast and send her to school with Alisya.
Alisya ada bf. potong jalan kakak dia.ngade2...independent tuh! kadang2 rase nk gigit2 je dia tuh.Haniff putus angin dah nk marah ke dia, tak makan saman hehehe
Pastu birthday dia baru ni, kami baru dpt tahu yg kami termengandung huhuhuhu baru je ingat blk nk g mancing,makan mende mengarut2 skit hehehe takpe la, kena la tunggu next time pulok. Nk kata apa, perancang keluarga dah guna tapi tersangkut jugak. ini menunjukkan takde bende yg boleh diharapkan ehhehe MIL??? tak ckp congrats pun. tak puah ati gamoknya ehheeheh nk buat guane....
Oh ye, kabor ke parent kat m'sia. diaorg kata "kena mari pulok!" due bulan January heheheh lagi la, sejuk weh!

Baru2 nih wak acara mendebarkan. masa ngan iman dulu tak tergamak, so she is making most of it now. With Alisya i went sledging heeheh so with this baby, i went for Race4Life... it was hot,humid and i feel good doing it. Wht do i hope for with this baby? Tht this family will grow stronger and better... insya-Allah.

Losing it...

with my blog title, it seems unreal..... sukesokmo whn in reality i am totally messed up.... i admit i am losing it this time. i will need time to heal. so powerful and so real. y is tht? never in my entire life felt this way and i dun like it. it is just too strong. believing wht i am not....i have to stop thinking. reality reality reality everything seems cloudier and messier... need a break. need to run away from everyone......until i am calm down and back on the ground....... i am sorry baby, i am losing it....

sadness in my heart

tak tahu nk start kat mane... dah dekat 6 tahun kawin takkan tak paham2 lagi... i tried my best... to be a good wife, a good mum and most of all, the good daughter in law. never in her eyes i was good enuff. wht did i do wrong? falling in love with her son i guess. can't be something else. haniff converted as a muslim on his own. i did nothing to encourage him. i was never even sure it would be like this. my life from so mixed up to further mixed up. i didn't even have the heart to tell him b4 he left back tht i will be waiting coz i was still in dilemma with my ex.tapi Allah swt maha kaya, sembahyang istikarah berpuluh kali, tanpa niat untuk dijodohkan ngan saper2 he is the one for me. alhamdulillah. sepanjang tempoh berkawan tak pernah sentuh mende2 haram. he said he told his mom he wants to marry me, and thts it..... wht he didn't say is tht he is going to convert....

now, for 6 yrs, with two beautiful girls and lovely home in a different country, culture and so far away from everything i love.... i am not happy. will it ever end? i doubt it. i'm not perfect. heck, i dun even know wht will i turn out to be as a mother in law, or as an old woman myself. life must be hard on her but tht is not the reason to be so bitchy. she is in favor now and tht is wht she wants. but pls, have all u want but stay away from my marriage. i love my husband. shld i answer back? shld i tell her enuff is enuff with this mind game? wht is not meant to be is not meant to be.....

dear heart, have mercy. have a soul to be strong and brave....

Update

Lama nya tak update mende alah nih...Malas la weh.... first Adilah dtg, bwk byk serai!!! suke hati aku hehehe pastu dia bwk skit daun kesum jadi la nk belajo masak asam pedas johor sbb mak mertua ni org johor. then daddy masuk spital sbb blood pressure tinggi then jantung dia etc. sumer blk except aku... :-( as it happen it was my birthday jugak. wht to do. i choose this life, well.. jodoh actually tapi ini lah, takleh nk blk kalu parent sakit. dipendekkan citer, Adilah duk seminggu, then kemas2 umah lebih kurang then now cuti sekolah Easter 2 minggu. nk buat ape ek? so far tak de mende2 hehehe kurung budak2 dlm umah. tensen diaorg. at least iman dah ada kawan eventhough adik dia duh suke yg amat buli dia.
Mummy rang up. Perlukan bantuan kecemasan. Aku duk sini tak keje. Nk libatkan Haniff, terpaksa. He didn't know wht sort of problem he is asking whn he entered the family. Nampak gayanya next year tak blk la aku for Anjang wedding. Need to find the $ a.s.a.p tak nk la aku skali org terjumpa mende bukan2. na'uzubillah! sepanjang hidup aku, parent always susah, naper ek???? maybe Allah swt nk uji kami dgn ujian yg lebih dgn harapan keimanan kami semakin kuat. byk mende aku nk luahkan tapi rasenya baik atas sekeping kertas dari sini...

oh ye, sblm tuh aku rase nk lepaskan geram kat MIL sbb dia aku gaduh ngan mak sedara haniff and anak sedara dia. Now she is very happy sbb she is in favor! bangsa nk cari perhatian!!!! she doesn't have to do tht to make her feel wanted but there u go. bila kita tua nanti kita tak tahu kita camne so.....

my parent

hmm... daddy rang me earlier. first he was talkative then he pause for a while. asked him y and he said he is a bit down. oh NO! my dad is down? wht the problem??? well, he was a bt upset with mummy plus with the recent business prolem. well, i let him talk obviously and he goes bla this, bla tht and this and tht and this and tht again. seriously after 37yrs of marriage they still cannot see eye to eye hehehe bless them.
mummy? well, i rang her this morning. she went to IKEA with angah,erre and anjang with Mia B. they bought a sofa and thought it would nice to give her as birthday present. heheeh funny coz i dun know anything abt it but i would still contribute as i am very obedient and very good daughter hahahah anyway back to the sofa, they said it looks like mine but not as nice as mine. its blue but not as blue as mine. in other word, it is not mine. the similarity of them is tht they both come from IKEA hehehe...

aaahhh... so stress... haniff is lip-bit tight now. not sure y? am i being too bossy??? me? but all i ask "if he is not well, dun go to work". "if u r feeling sleepy, go to bed". "can u change the children please". "i dun feel well, can u take over please"...... OH NOOOOOOOOOOO not one of those wives!!!! isk isk isk

Pasta Carbonara

Dapat resepi ni dari Syida (thanks beb!) Batuk ku tak juga getting better. Iman pun sama, si alisya lagi la. makin menjadi2 lak nakal dia isk isk isk Kesian haniff dah 2 hari tak pergi keje ambik cuti jaga kami. Aku dah fed up asyik tak sihat je. So pk punya pk nk masak apa, last2 buka blog syida ada resepi carbonara. basically sama je ngan pasta white sauce. aku tak guna m/room soup. i make it from scratch.
To begin with just chopped some garlic and m/rooms with olive oil (coz haniff lovesssss m/rooms) then put abt 2 tbsp flour until brown then pour in abt 250ml fresh milk while stirring abt the same time coz if u dun it will get lumpy. i pour in some double cream as well around 100ml (lemaknya heheeh) then stir it and seasoned it as well (salt and pepper) then aku masukkan salmon sbb takde sausage, fresh parsley and some mixed herbs (kalu letak leeks lagi sedap). taste, biarkan dia pekat skit then masukkan pasta yg dah direbus. Gaul2 until sebati then hidangkan hehehe bila ada yg lebih, kalu nk panaskan, masukkan susu dlm periuk then heat up cam biase :-)
This week, hari jumaat Dila sampai. kami tak sihat lagi. umah berterabur. Tensennya.......

Kasut Baru hehehe

Ini gambar kasut terbaru saya. Saya membelinya dgn harga £5 hehehehehe Today i went to Sister Pampering for Gaza Aid. Nk pergi awal kena siapkan makan anak2 and suami dulu so kul 230pm. Sampai je ramai dah nk balik. Event ni start dari kul 12-5pm tapi tup tup bila teringin nk buat massage, mehendi,make-up,potong rambut sumer dah penuh and dah tutup gerai isk isk isk so jalan2 je la. beli tudung 2 lai, pin tudung 4 biji adn this shoes. My fren kata it feels comfortable so sauk je la. £5 beb! hehehe boleh la tahan. cam org pakistani pakai. sama cam kasut masa kawin dulu cuma takde tali ka belakang. (Syida, orait tak???)

Batuk ku makin menjadi2. Alisya pun tak berenti2 batuk, kesian. tak sampai hati mendengar. Iman pun suara dah sengau. Aduiii la...asyik tak sihat je kami ni. Rase nk pindah negara aci tak? masa type nih Haniff duk sebelah, sibuk nk tau aku type apa kah kah kah itu la org suruh belajar cakap melayu asyik jawab, malas! hehehe

So, keputusannya aku nk minta keje kat PTD. kalu dapat, kira pack ur stuff and off u go. kalu tak, duk sini lagi la. Hidup mesti berani ambik cabaran. Kalu tak duk la jadi katak bawah tempurung. (but wht if things didn't work out the way we wanted it to be? If me and haniff drifted apart.........)

Wht is wrong people?

Apa la dosa aku minggu nih... iman jatuh, alisya jatuh, then alisya demam, really high temperature since smlm. then tetiba pagi tadi nk mandi kan dia, she was shaking like mad! all her hands and feet were cold and her lips turned blue! i rang the surgery hoping to get an appointment and the receptionist said can u make it at 11am? i said yes and off we go. did we see the nurse? NO, y? coz she was damn busy to see my sick baby! how unprofessional is tht? u ask me to show up b4 11 and whn i was there holding my limp baby with blue lips, u let other ppl go in first? Y? is it becoz my daughter not important enuff? seriously i am sick and tired of the system in this f***** country. i gave it 6 yrs of my life, wasted 6 yrs (apart from being happily married of course!tht was a bless) but the rest? SUCKS! i wanna go home.....

Geram

Sakit hatinya aku bila iman balik ptg tadi. dah la alisya jatuh kat jalan, tak nak pegang tangan skali iman pun nk kuar dari pintu kelas dia pun tergolek jugak. dah aku nk cari kat mana tukang urut kaki? ambik minyak gamat, gosok2 lebih kurang sambil selawat nabi, insya-allah ok la kut esok. tapi itu bukan sbb aku sakit hati. bila dah nk sampai umah, tanya iman "did u finish ur lunch?". dia jawab "yes, but mummy there was this boy sat by our table, pushed my lunch to the floor and the dinner lady said just give it a brush and eat it again!" OMG, bangang nye betina sial tu. suka2 hati je nak anak aku makan mende jatuh kat lantai. kalu sakit aku jugak kena bwk g spital. aku tanya iman, "did u eat it then?". dia jawab "yes coz i was so hungry". sian anak aku... aku tanya dia saper pompuan tuh, dia kata from the pre school....dah la gejala buli membuli ni makin menjadi2. tau la kadang2 kita tak leh kontrol tapi sampai tahap mcm tuh, aku bengang la. kesimpulannya, kaku aku jumpa ngan betina tu, aku cari kete dia, calar2 skit ngan 20p heheheh geram!

masa tgh type nih, iman ngan alisya sibuk nyanyi dlm bilik... bising yg amat! nk tulis apa lagi pun dah blur. sambung la neh....

6th Anniversary

Saper sangka, dah 6 tahun kawin ngan haniff... pk2 blk camner kitaorg kawin sedih tapi ALLAH swt maha agung, Dia tahu isi hati hambanya yg dikhianati... takpe la. ada hikmah disebalik apa yg berlaku.

so, pagi tadi bunyi doorbell while feeding the children b/fast. iman nak g skolah, alisya lak sibuk nk tgk in the night garden. so skali bila posmen dtg, kelam kabut aku nk cover sbb tak pakai bra hahahah sauk je apa2 yg boleh. buka pintu ada kotak besar. dah agak dah. ingat dari MIL, rupanya suami ku heheeh syida mesti jeles ada kaler pink. baunya semerbak. thanks baby, u'r the best! so lepas blk anto iman, cepat2 siap kan alisya then put her to bed so i can move on with my next agenda. memasak.. chicken kiev with salad and new potatoes... nk jadi ke citer, dada ayam aku tuh terlampau tebal so tak berapa masak. malu punya pasal (asyik nk masak western je fail :-( ) pergi la jln2 kat garden jap. sejuk yg amat hehehe so cancel nk merajuk. masuk letak ayam dlm oven for 15 min then makan dinner ngan haniff while the girls lari2 cam tak cukup tanah. nk romantic dinner? tak payah mimpi la.... kejap iman dtg nk ayam, kejap alisya nk makan jugak walhal aku dah masak kurma kambing special for them hehehe tak sangka pulak diaorg suka sbb dlm ayam tu letak herb butter. so gambo tak sempat snap sbb tensen. tapi this is our cake.


for u haniff, u r my best fren, my soulmate and the reason y i am stranded in this alien country! i love u xxx

insecure

Dua tiga malam ni tidur tak lena. nk dtg bulan lagi kut. sejak pakai alat ni, period dtg sesuka hati je, lama lak tuh. tensen. nak buang, kang tersangkut. bukan taknak tapi byk mende nk pk. haniff pun ada bunyi2 dah nk baby satu lagi. teringin boy tapi bukan kuasa kita. just have to keep on trying.maybe balik dari malaysia nanti think harder.
a friend is coming over to stay for holiday. we never had anybody come around from malaysia, part of family so it is an honor. i have this sense of insecurity. extremelly dangerous! very jealousy but i am not a control freak ( i think...) so few days ago aku mimpi yg bukan2. infidelity... to be honest, dari zaman bujang tak habis2. dari bf,tunang..now husband. never say never... i doubt haniff will do it but it just felt so strong and i always have this huntch. whn she comes, at one point i will leave her in the hse coz i have to send iman to swimming class. skali dlm fb dia komen abt haniff... i feel uncomfortable. menguatkan lagi. she has a husband and they have been having a bit of family issues. syaitan nih mmg suka pecah beraikan manusia. i need some strength, kekuatan keimanan. bila dtg dari family yg jantan suka cari betina, kepercayaan tuh susah skit. i hope it is just syaitan playing with my mind.

Ya.Allah, berila diriku kekuatan keimanan dan ketakwaan.... amin.

snowdrop walk

hari ni belanja haniff,iman and alisya makan kat coffee cup shop sbb teringin nk makan roast sunday. kedai ni halal. very good business strategy sbb dulu owner dia mat salleh so pakistani ni beli keep the same menu but change the whole ingredients to halal so he keeps the old customer and get a new customer. 2 in 1!

nk buat sendiri asyik tak jadi so pk punya pk ckp kat haniff "abang, kita g makan luar, any belanja" perghhh..... abang??? hahahaha geli la. mana ada panggil dia abang, dia sendiri yg letak ada la. sekarang ni iman and alisya duk sibuk ikut panggil haniff "yang" hehehehe iman la pagi bgn tidur cakap "morning sayang". angin tul la dia tuh hehehe tak sempat nk snap gambo makan sbb susah la ngan si alisya nih. kejap nk diri atas meja, kejap atas kerusi. malu org tgk kita marah budak2 walhal normal tapi ye la, concious kan. (macam salah eja je! heheeh)
lepas makan haniff cakap i feel soooo kenyang, want to go for a walk? so aku jawab meh la kalu alisya ngan iman tak tidur. so kitaorg pun pergi la west wycombe park. tempat ni best sbb takde anjing so relak skit jalan2 ngan budak2 kalu tak naya asyik kena berhati2. alisya jalan meriah je. iman lak macam tak cukup tanah. bless them, let them enjoy the beautiful park. and the flowers? well, if we came last week it would be more beautiful but nevertheless it was still serene and so full of life. would probably go back for the daffodils. spring is finally coming around. daddy suka spring. whn the daffodils coming out, the cherry blossoms will start shooting as well... oh... things tht i would miss here but my heart is still in malaysia.

oh ya, talking abt malaysia. not really sure i like wht is happening. everyone is not happy, since whn making other ppl happy is the agenda in any country. tapi for me, they shld go back to history and try to tolerate. NOT!!!! until ppl start realizing money is not everything, it will always be the way it is.

not forgetting, my 6th yr anniversary :-) who would have thought there is somebody who wanted someone like me... tht is y i believe, there is someone for someone in this world and it can happen without u know it there. u fall and u get up. u make mistake and u learn.

off to ironing now. so chow chin chow!

today

gosh, i really dun know whr to start tidying up the house. dila is coming soon and the guest room is not even close to be ready at all. haniff is getting stressed out all the time. work loads, house not finish decorated. he started something but didn't finish hehehe tht is sooo him. the kitchen,bathroom, hall and now the guest room. i am always not well. headache and always feeling i am doing everything so fast. i need to slow down. calm myself b4 i collapse. so many times the girls saw me fell. the doctor cldn't find anything wrong with me but there must be something. maybe disagree with my body system. here, ppl know all sort of medical terms. have to try to learn as well. malasnya sbb sumer nama scientific sgt. nama melayu kan senang. sakit urat, terpeleot,tergelecoh hehehe

g anto iman tadi, ada la kawan tanya baru potong rambut iman. kita pun jwb la ye, naper? dia suka rupanya. dia ckp ngan laki dia anak dia pun suka rambut gitu so.... i am watching this space! tak tahu la tak suka kalu ada org nk copy2 nih. sbb hari2 sekolah dia akan tanya esok iman pakai baju apa, stoking ker tights hehehe bless her. she is nice but kekadang tu rimas :-p
ada kawan sorang tuh copy something jugak, in the end bila kita tanya, nk marah, boleh?

every morning i make sure i call mummy. tanya khabar dia. daddy normally call kat tghari skit sbb time tu tak bz. pagi2 susah skit sbb kalu sembang ngan pak aji punya la byk gossip dia. i get it, he miss me hehehe ngan org lain duk berlaga angin. actually ngan kita pun tgk hari dia mood ok, hah, panjang la celoteh dia. gossip politik la, makan la etc. i miss him dearly. with mummy kalu gaduh normally bengang je tapi daddy, jadi sebak. i think becoz i am quite close to him.

smlm sembang ngan SIL. sian dia nak motivated skit. susah bile duk umah mertua, tak de kawan, nk kuar kena kaut sumer anak2... been there, felt it and it is hard but at least mummy tak duk umah sgt plus dun really interfere. my MIL eventhough nowadays i can see the goodness, still the badness left some scars tht r sooo hard to forgive and forget but i love haniff, so telan je la. kita nih tua nanti tak tahu lagu mana. maybe lebih cerewet dari parent kita org mertua kita. pandai2 la pk sendiri. pastu satu lagi kita je yg boleh pujuk diri kita, tak de org lain dah. kalu nk nangis tuh nangis la tapi after tht, istifar byk2 then calm urself down.
whn i was younger, whn i have problem, wht i did was, i went to every masjid in usj (tht time duk kat usj), then selayang bila pindah umah. i was so stressed with work, love life, family, money etc. in every women's life, they will fall for a bad boy. i did, mine was three hehehe. the last one was really nightmare. malay, kelantanese and so damn proud to be drinking infront of me. wht was tht all abt? jiwa rasa tenang dgn suara azan, ayat2 al-quran... tapi sifat manusia. bila kita perlukan pertolongan DIA, kita mencari. memohon, bertanya. kenapa ujian itu jatuh pada kita. tapi bila kita ok, nak spare 5 min atas sejadah pun susah.

why i put the title "TODAY"? its becoz i have thinking all the things tht i have done, not proud and haunting me for the rest of my life. things tht i hope none of my children will do or think at of doing it.

p/s watched ironman just now, soooo totally crazy for robert downey still hehehe

New Sofa cover

Went to Brent Cross IKEA recently and bought a new sofa cover. yg lama akan digunakan utk buat cover kerusi meja makan since iman and alisya selalu buat sepah hheheeh cantik tak? bantal tu haniff yg pilih sbb dia sukeeee bunge2 sekarang. worry? er... sikit2 sbb tak pernah2 suka bunga now suka ... ngeriiiiiii

Sinus

Lama dah tak update. syida dah bising.. malas sbb tak reti nk update ape. lagi pun rumah semak giler, adilah nk dtg in march tapi rumah berterabur. malu. bkn taknak kemas tapi asyik sakit kepala manjang. sinusitus is getting really bad. sampai tak leh buat apa2. pening loya (no, i am not pregnant though i wish hehehe) dengan budak2 pun takleh nak main sangat sbb disturbing my actions with them.
last night p IKEA Brent Cross, bought new cover for my sofa after 6 yrs heheh dah koyak rabak heheh budak2 lasak sgt. kaler biru jugak, denim but darker and stream red color. Haniff berkenan ngan one cushion so bought tht one as well. it looks really nice actually. will have to remember to take pictures so mummy daddy can see. oh, Gha is in surabaya. good for her. envy all her jobs. hari tuh g france,italy etc. now travelling asia. bless her. rezeki tapi tak best kena tinggal kan anak2 yg kecik. eventhough mummy daddy and anjang acik jaga, it still not the same with u taking care of ur own.

K.long is singing again. can't say i blame her but she shld try to find other options as age is growing older. it just not suitable for her anymore.

Jai and Rozi, hopefully r ok and r working their ass to make it work. i really love rozi. so far, ahamdulillah i have two gorgeous and the nice sisters in law anyone can ask. i love k.lina as well. they r both very motherly and very good with people. my parent r so lucky to have them in the family.

Anjang, hopefully she will know wht a germ her love one is. won't be easy but he understands he more than anyone. so all the best to them as well. hopefully we can go back for the wedding.

Acik, just got back from sabah. senyap tupah. takpe la, as long as dia belajo. she is a good sister.

Neeah? in a world of her own heheh bless her, still looking for her indentity. i really hope she learned her lesson so she could move forward and take things more seriously.

Bella, Hareez, Haikal, Hana, MiaB and MiaK (i haven't met yet,looking forward to!) i missed them so much. no very much of an auntie since duduk jauh but try to whn i am back home. iman and alisya loves them to bits.

Haniff, just got back from outstation and they missed their dad sooooo much. i hope i did a good job raising them. respect, not scared.

i am seriously thinking of applying for work. but can i keep up with the new generation? everytime keje always end up with masam muka between collegue? i still need to figure out why am i such a threat to them. i miss malaysia. the ppl, the food, the weather, environment, families and friends. things here r not tht bad. i am more malay still. always have and always be :-)

Wilton Cake Class

Daripada tak buat apa2 kat umah, so aku ikut nasihat one of my respectful friend. She did the course b4 and whn i read her blog, i felt i shld do something abt my routine as well. I like to bake but decorating is not my favorite so to get a bit of the skill would be an advantage! So here r some bits of it and it is my passion,my desire to make everyone in my family happy with my BAKING hehehe so this is my first decorated cake and i must say, i am quite please with it. so look out for the second one, the muffin clown cake heheheh to be continued

frustration

hari ni pening kepala. masalah keluarga tak habis2. dah tuh hubungan kekeluargaan sah2 hilang sbb mende2 gini. one thing i still dun understand is WHY? WHY must one of ur family members feel envy towards u? they got everything they ever wanted and just refuse to realize or see tht.... camne org yg ada anak2 berbelas boleh didik anak2 menreka dgn baik and anak2 mereak dgr ckp mereka. cannot entirely blame the parent, tht i disagree. they did their best so its up the children to follow their heart or mind....

kekuatan keimanan adalah asas kehidupan....

Sejuk

Rasenya biler la boleh panas duk negeri nih. hari nih bwk la budak2 g ukur kaki kat Marlow. pastu g playground skali sbb dah janji ngan iman & alisya. mak oiiiii, sejuk nk mampus! rerupanya suhu -1 degree... giler!!!! ada baiknya aku g duduk di kutub utara terus, ke nganer? so balik umah, masak kurma ayam, sambal belacan, ikan kering daddy/mummy pos dari malaysia, sayur campur and ikan siakap goreng DONE!... tak panas2 jugak badan heheheh kabo ke mummy merapu dia marah kata jgn lupa minum air halia sokmo hehehe nk g shopping pun tak sanggup. haniff baru ambik iman keluar pergi beli brg2 nk buat sup. dia skrg dah pandai masak so bior la dia. alisya tidur. nk gosok baju tak tergamak nk kuar dari duvt so, malam nih je la kut. tata titi tutu