Losing it...

with my blog title, it seems unreal..... sukesokmo whn in reality i am totally messed up.... i admit i am losing it this time. i will need time to heal. so powerful and so real. y is tht? never in my entire life felt this way and i dun like it. it is just too strong. believing wht i am not....i have to stop thinking. reality reality reality everything seems cloudier and messier... need a break. need to run away from everyone......until i am calm down and back on the ground....... i am sorry baby, i am losing it....

sadness in my heart

tak tahu nk start kat mane... dah dekat 6 tahun kawin takkan tak paham2 lagi... i tried my best... to be a good wife, a good mum and most of all, the good daughter in law. never in her eyes i was good enuff. wht did i do wrong? falling in love with her son i guess. can't be something else. haniff converted as a muslim on his own. i did nothing to encourage him. i was never even sure it would be like this. my life from so mixed up to further mixed up. i didn't even have the heart to tell him b4 he left back tht i will be waiting coz i was still in dilemma with my ex.tapi Allah swt maha kaya, sembahyang istikarah berpuluh kali, tanpa niat untuk dijodohkan ngan saper2 he is the one for me. alhamdulillah. sepanjang tempoh berkawan tak pernah sentuh mende2 haram. he said he told his mom he wants to marry me, and thts it..... wht he didn't say is tht he is going to convert....

now, for 6 yrs, with two beautiful girls and lovely home in a different country, culture and so far away from everything i love.... i am not happy. will it ever end? i doubt it. i'm not perfect. heck, i dun even know wht will i turn out to be as a mother in law, or as an old woman myself. life must be hard on her but tht is not the reason to be so bitchy. she is in favor now and tht is wht she wants. but pls, have all u want but stay away from my marriage. i love my husband. shld i answer back? shld i tell her enuff is enuff with this mind game? wht is not meant to be is not meant to be.....

dear heart, have mercy. have a soul to be strong and brave....

Update

Lama nya tak update mende alah nih...Malas la weh.... first Adilah dtg, bwk byk serai!!! suke hati aku hehehe pastu dia bwk skit daun kesum jadi la nk belajo masak asam pedas johor sbb mak mertua ni org johor. then daddy masuk spital sbb blood pressure tinggi then jantung dia etc. sumer blk except aku... :-( as it happen it was my birthday jugak. wht to do. i choose this life, well.. jodoh actually tapi ini lah, takleh nk blk kalu parent sakit. dipendekkan citer, Adilah duk seminggu, then kemas2 umah lebih kurang then now cuti sekolah Easter 2 minggu. nk buat ape ek? so far tak de mende2 hehehe kurung budak2 dlm umah. tensen diaorg. at least iman dah ada kawan eventhough adik dia duh suke yg amat buli dia.
Mummy rang up. Perlukan bantuan kecemasan. Aku duk sini tak keje. Nk libatkan Haniff, terpaksa. He didn't know wht sort of problem he is asking whn he entered the family. Nampak gayanya next year tak blk la aku for Anjang wedding. Need to find the $ a.s.a.p tak nk la aku skali org terjumpa mende bukan2. na'uzubillah! sepanjang hidup aku, parent always susah, naper ek???? maybe Allah swt nk uji kami dgn ujian yg lebih dgn harapan keimanan kami semakin kuat. byk mende aku nk luahkan tapi rasenya baik atas sekeping kertas dari sini...

oh ye, sblm tuh aku rase nk lepaskan geram kat MIL sbb dia aku gaduh ngan mak sedara haniff and anak sedara dia. Now she is very happy sbb she is in favor! bangsa nk cari perhatian!!!! she doesn't have to do tht to make her feel wanted but there u go. bila kita tua nanti kita tak tahu kita camne so.....

my parent

hmm... daddy rang me earlier. first he was talkative then he pause for a while. asked him y and he said he is a bit down. oh NO! my dad is down? wht the problem??? well, he was a bt upset with mummy plus with the recent business prolem. well, i let him talk obviously and he goes bla this, bla tht and this and tht and this and tht again. seriously after 37yrs of marriage they still cannot see eye to eye hehehe bless them.
mummy? well, i rang her this morning. she went to IKEA with angah,erre and anjang with Mia B. they bought a sofa and thought it would nice to give her as birthday present. heheeh funny coz i dun know anything abt it but i would still contribute as i am very obedient and very good daughter hahahah anyway back to the sofa, they said it looks like mine but not as nice as mine. its blue but not as blue as mine. in other word, it is not mine. the similarity of them is tht they both come from IKEA hehehe...

aaahhh... so stress... haniff is lip-bit tight now. not sure y? am i being too bossy??? me? but all i ask "if he is not well, dun go to work". "if u r feeling sleepy, go to bed". "can u change the children please". "i dun feel well, can u take over please"...... OH NOOOOOOOOOOO not one of those wives!!!! isk isk isk

Pasta Carbonara

Dapat resepi ni dari Syida (thanks beb!) Batuk ku tak juga getting better. Iman pun sama, si alisya lagi la. makin menjadi2 lak nakal dia isk isk isk Kesian haniff dah 2 hari tak pergi keje ambik cuti jaga kami. Aku dah fed up asyik tak sihat je. So pk punya pk nk masak apa, last2 buka blog syida ada resepi carbonara. basically sama je ngan pasta white sauce. aku tak guna m/room soup. i make it from scratch.
To begin with just chopped some garlic and m/rooms with olive oil (coz haniff lovesssss m/rooms) then put abt 2 tbsp flour until brown then pour in abt 250ml fresh milk while stirring abt the same time coz if u dun it will get lumpy. i pour in some double cream as well around 100ml (lemaknya heheeh) then stir it and seasoned it as well (salt and pepper) then aku masukkan salmon sbb takde sausage, fresh parsley and some mixed herbs (kalu letak leeks lagi sedap). taste, biarkan dia pekat skit then masukkan pasta yg dah direbus. Gaul2 until sebati then hidangkan hehehe bila ada yg lebih, kalu nk panaskan, masukkan susu dlm periuk then heat up cam biase :-)
This week, hari jumaat Dila sampai. kami tak sihat lagi. umah berterabur. Tensennya.......

Kasut Baru hehehe

Ini gambar kasut terbaru saya. Saya membelinya dgn harga £5 hehehehehe Today i went to Sister Pampering for Gaza Aid. Nk pergi awal kena siapkan makan anak2 and suami dulu so kul 230pm. Sampai je ramai dah nk balik. Event ni start dari kul 12-5pm tapi tup tup bila teringin nk buat massage, mehendi,make-up,potong rambut sumer dah penuh and dah tutup gerai isk isk isk so jalan2 je la. beli tudung 2 lai, pin tudung 4 biji adn this shoes. My fren kata it feels comfortable so sauk je la. £5 beb! hehehe boleh la tahan. cam org pakistani pakai. sama cam kasut masa kawin dulu cuma takde tali ka belakang. (Syida, orait tak???)

Batuk ku makin menjadi2. Alisya pun tak berenti2 batuk, kesian. tak sampai hati mendengar. Iman pun suara dah sengau. Aduiii la...asyik tak sihat je kami ni. Rase nk pindah negara aci tak? masa type nih Haniff duk sebelah, sibuk nk tau aku type apa kah kah kah itu la org suruh belajar cakap melayu asyik jawab, malas! hehehe

So, keputusannya aku nk minta keje kat PTD. kalu dapat, kira pack ur stuff and off u go. kalu tak, duk sini lagi la. Hidup mesti berani ambik cabaran. Kalu tak duk la jadi katak bawah tempurung. (but wht if things didn't work out the way we wanted it to be? If me and haniff drifted apart.........)

Wht is wrong people?

Apa la dosa aku minggu nih... iman jatuh, alisya jatuh, then alisya demam, really high temperature since smlm. then tetiba pagi tadi nk mandi kan dia, she was shaking like mad! all her hands and feet were cold and her lips turned blue! i rang the surgery hoping to get an appointment and the receptionist said can u make it at 11am? i said yes and off we go. did we see the nurse? NO, y? coz she was damn busy to see my sick baby! how unprofessional is tht? u ask me to show up b4 11 and whn i was there holding my limp baby with blue lips, u let other ppl go in first? Y? is it becoz my daughter not important enuff? seriously i am sick and tired of the system in this f***** country. i gave it 6 yrs of my life, wasted 6 yrs (apart from being happily married of course!tht was a bless) but the rest? SUCKS! i wanna go home.....