Losing it...

with my blog title, it seems unreal..... sukesokmo whn in reality i am totally messed up.... i admit i am losing it this time. i will need time to heal. so powerful and so real. y is tht? never in my entire life felt this way and i dun like it. it is just too strong. believing wht i am not....i have to stop thinking. reality reality reality everything seems cloudier and messier... need a break. need to run away from everyone......until i am calm down and back on the ground....... i am sorry baby, i am losing it....

sadness in my heart

tak tahu nk start kat mane... dah dekat 6 tahun kawin takkan tak paham2 lagi... i tried my best... to be a good wife, a good mum and most of all, the good daughter in law. never in her eyes i was good enuff. wht did i do wrong? falling in love with her son i guess. can't be something else. haniff converted as a muslim on his own. i did nothing to encourage him. i was never even sure it would be like this. my life from so mixed up to further mixed up. i didn't even have the heart to tell him b4 he left back tht i will be waiting coz i was still in dilemma with my ex.tapi Allah swt maha kaya, sembahyang istikarah berpuluh kali, tanpa niat untuk dijodohkan ngan saper2 he is the one for me. alhamdulillah. sepanjang tempoh berkawan tak pernah sentuh mende2 haram. he said he told his mom he wants to marry me, and thts it..... wht he didn't say is tht he is going to convert....

now, for 6 yrs, with two beautiful girls and lovely home in a different country, culture and so far away from everything i love.... i am not happy. will it ever end? i doubt it. i'm not perfect. heck, i dun even know wht will i turn out to be as a mother in law, or as an old woman myself. life must be hard on her but tht is not the reason to be so bitchy. she is in favor now and tht is wht she wants. but pls, have all u want but stay away from my marriage. i love my husband. shld i answer back? shld i tell her enuff is enuff with this mind game? wht is not meant to be is not meant to be.....

dear heart, have mercy. have a soul to be strong and brave....

Update

Lama nya tak update mende alah nih...Malas la weh.... first Adilah dtg, bwk byk serai!!! suke hati aku hehehe pastu dia bwk skit daun kesum jadi la nk belajo masak asam pedas johor sbb mak mertua ni org johor. then daddy masuk spital sbb blood pressure tinggi then jantung dia etc. sumer blk except aku... :-( as it happen it was my birthday jugak. wht to do. i choose this life, well.. jodoh actually tapi ini lah, takleh nk blk kalu parent sakit. dipendekkan citer, Adilah duk seminggu, then kemas2 umah lebih kurang then now cuti sekolah Easter 2 minggu. nk buat ape ek? so far tak de mende2 hehehe kurung budak2 dlm umah. tensen diaorg. at least iman dah ada kawan eventhough adik dia duh suke yg amat buli dia.
Mummy rang up. Perlukan bantuan kecemasan. Aku duk sini tak keje. Nk libatkan Haniff, terpaksa. He didn't know wht sort of problem he is asking whn he entered the family. Nampak gayanya next year tak blk la aku for Anjang wedding. Need to find the $ a.s.a.p tak nk la aku skali org terjumpa mende bukan2. na'uzubillah! sepanjang hidup aku, parent always susah, naper ek???? maybe Allah swt nk uji kami dgn ujian yg lebih dgn harapan keimanan kami semakin kuat. byk mende aku nk luahkan tapi rasenya baik atas sekeping kertas dari sini...

oh ye, sblm tuh aku rase nk lepaskan geram kat MIL sbb dia aku gaduh ngan mak sedara haniff and anak sedara dia. Now she is very happy sbb she is in favor! bangsa nk cari perhatian!!!! she doesn't have to do tht to make her feel wanted but there u go. bila kita tua nanti kita tak tahu kita camne so.....